Okay.. this is nerd cookie love:
Too cute for words.Join the dark side.. we have cookies!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Just for fun: Nerdy Star Wars Cookies
I just got this emailed to me from Williams-Sonoma.
Okay.. this is nerd cookie love:
Too cute for words.
Okay.. this is nerd cookie love:
Too cute for words.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Moving Update: Welcome to Purgatory! Enjoy your stay.
Yes, that is what I would call it. Purgatory, the in-between, limbo. We haven't yet arrived in our new city, but we are no longer living in our house. Instead we are staying with my parents until our crap arrives at our rental apartment.
To add some fun to the adventure, our moving truck broke down before they had a chance to load it. The result was that we actually didn't get to leave our house until late into the night (while they finished loading our stuff onto a rental truck) which was lovely with two kids and no toys, no furniture, no TV, no nothing. This also means that our new delivery date is 3 days later than originally scheduled. Yay.
Therefore I think that Purgatory is exactly the way I would describe where we are right now. I can't decide exactly which location is Heaven and which is Hell however. That still remains to be seen, since we may have just jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire.
To add some fun to the adventure, our moving truck broke down before they had a chance to load it. The result was that we actually didn't get to leave our house until late into the night (while they finished loading our stuff onto a rental truck) which was lovely with two kids and no toys, no furniture, no TV, no nothing. This also means that our new delivery date is 3 days later than originally scheduled. Yay.
Therefore I think that Purgatory is exactly the way I would describe where we are right now. I can't decide exactly which location is Heaven and which is Hell however. That still remains to be seen, since we may have just jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Scientist Moms in the Media: Do they exist?
Katrina has a great post about the portrayal of working mothers in the movies and on TV. Something that really stuck in my craw was the idea that when they portray mothers who work outside the home in TV storylines, the network actually gets complaints. YES complaints! You have got to be kidding me?!
Does anyone else see the irony here? People find working mothers distasteful, yet Desperate Housewives and Bachelorettes are perfectly acceptable. Nice.
Despite the fact that half of all U.S. workers are women, despite the fact that more than 70% of mothers in America work outside the home, there are still a lot of people out there who find the concept of a mother working distasteful. They don’t believe we can adequately take care of our children if we work.And if you think it is hard to find a work-outside-the-home-mom on TV (I can think of a few of them off top of my head) try to come up with a SCIENTIST MOM on TV. Yeah, not happening. Doctor moms maybe, but not bench scientists or academics. Hell, you can hardly find female scientists on TV.
Does anyone else see the irony here? People find working mothers distasteful, yet Desperate Housewives and Bachelorettes are perfectly acceptable. Nice.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Lab Management 101: New Faculty vs. Established PI
The job search has been pretty interesting and has made me reflect on the pros and cons of the types of labs you can work in as a career tech/lab manager. I thought I would do a series of posts comparing and contrasting different types of labs and lab management styles (at least based on my experiences) and the pros and cons of each. I'm going to call it Lab Management 101, since as a lab manager these are the basic differences that you need to consider when choosing a lab (or when a lab chooses you.) The way a lab is managed, who the PI is, who the members of the lab are, where the lab is located and a multitude of other factors influences your ability do your job and changes the expectations of you. Many of these factors will also apply to those choosing a lab to join as a graduate student or post doc, but I am going to specifically write from the point of view of a lab manager, since that is what I know best.
This first post in the series is going to compare the difference between a brand new PI and one who is more established (usually tenured).
There are some VERY big differences when it comes to managing the lab of a new PI vs. becoming the lab manager of an established tenured faculty member. I actually think it is one of the most important factors influencing your role as a lab manager and what your job duties will include.
I'll start with New PIs (Assistant or even some associate professors)
Pros:
I personally LOVE working for brand new PIs. They are usually coming out of a post-doc and are really excited (anda little scared terrified) to be setting up and running their VERY OWN lab. They are often starting at square one, ordering equipment and supplies, hiring the first members of the lab, establishing systems of data management/record keeping, writing up protocols (IACUC, EH&S, IRB etc.), joining being pushed onto committees, and are frequently also adjusting to their teaching load.
This is a great opportunity as a lab manager to come on board and take a huge load off their hands. It is also a great time to establish your role in lab the way you want it. Because you are there from the start, you aren't coming into a system that is already set up. The lab is what you (and your PI) are going to make of it. There is nothing like getting in on the ground floor. (ETA after publishing: Check out this fantastic perspective from Prof Like Substance on the pros of working for a new PI, it seems we are on the same page.)
Another big pro is that these labs tend to be smaller and often a good tech is also one who is actively involved in running their own project or at least taking the lead on one. Because new faculty don't tend to have a lot of students and post docs to do the work, using hired guns is one way to get stuff done. Once you have established your ability to understand and do the science, that gets your foot in the door to long term projects in the lab, and not just basic lab management and housekeeping type duties.
Cons:
There are some big cons of working for a brand new faculty member. One is money. Usually they don't have much, or if they do get a great startup package, they are usually very nervous about spending it. This may seem like a handicap, however, this is actually an opportunity for you to show what you are worth. I would venture to say a good lab manager can actually save a PI more than you cost them salary wise. Shopping around, talking to sales reps, catching special pricing offers, knowing which buffers/reagents are worth making from scratch, how to manage inventory so things are not going out of date or being double ordered, and building relationships with other labs in the department/school/institution so that you can share/borrow seldom used large equipment and reagents can really add up.
DrugMonkey also pointed out a problem you frequently run into with new faculty: the inability to let go of some responsiblity. Because they are not used to being in charge, many times new PIs feel they must be there for every experiment, they must okay every purchase, they must re-read every piece of paperwork. They don't want to give up control, especially with things they are familiar with (i.e. benchwork) and that leads to the dreaded scourge of all lab managers: MICROMANAGING.
A lab manager should be the PI's right hand man, but it takes time to build that relationship. The PI needs to learn to trust you know what you are doing, and as a lab manager you need to learn how the PI wants things done, and how much input they want in order to stay comfortable. A great example of this dilemma is the quandary DamnGoodTechnician found herself in after a recent PI change. You need to know the expectations and understand the type of management style your PI has in order to be and effective tech and manager. And the problem with young PIs is they frequently don't know their management style (and rightfully so.) They haven't had to run a lab before, and so it is a big learning curve for them too. Once that trust is built, it is often much easier for a PI to stop micromanaging, but that trust takes a lot longer in new PIs (in my opinion) since they tend to be less confident.
What about more established faculty (Senior Associate Professors, full professors, department chairs etc)?
Pros:
Working for a senior investigator comes with it's own set of benefits and negatives. Professors who have been tenured for a while and have a fair number of years under their belts tend to also have established a system for how they want things done. They are comfortable with their management system and so when you are brought on to manage the lab of a full professor or department chair, you usually already have your work laid out for you. This can be wonderful if you don't want to spend your days reinventing the wheel. You walk into a fully stocked lab, you usually find yourself surrounded by at least a few seasoned veterans who can teach you the insider tricks, and you hit the ground running. Someone else has done the legwork for you.
Expectations for lab managers in these large established labs tends to be quite high. In my experience these senior PIs have come to prioritize their time quite differently than their less experienced counterparts. Increased administrative duties, travel, publication rate and a larger number of mentorees means that they must hand off a lot more of the decision making process to other members of the lab, including the lab manager. This isn't to say you won't occassionally run into a senior PI who is trying to micromanage however logistically it is much harder for them to do so.
Cons:
Many of the positive parts of working for a more established PI can also become negatives depending on the situation. Having to come into a an already established system can be frustrating. You may know that this is not the best or most effecient way of doing things, but you will have a hard time changing it. It is a little of the "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" syndrome.
You also may be coming into a situation where you are the newbie yet you are expected to manage people who have been around a lot longer than you, and who have more experience than you. This can be extremely awkward and frustrating. It takes a strong personality to be good at this, and you will often find yourself in a sink or swim position. If you are not confident and self-assured, it is going to be hard for people to take you seriously. This will only undermine your ability to be more than "just a tech."
Lastly, a major drawback to working in a large, established, highly funded lab is that you will frequently spend a large chunk of your time doing administrative and managerial work, and (at least depending on the job description) won't spend a lot of time doing actual science. Because large labs need a lot of support (ordering, troubleshooting broken equipment, record keeping, personnel training etc.) the lab manager is often preoccupied with this role. Obviously with a title like Lab Manager, this is to be expected, however I personally don't like to have the majority of my time spent doing this kind work. It is a matter of personal taste I suppose, but I like to consider myself a scientist first and foremost, and so when the science is lost to minutia I consider that a con. I have known career techs who say that is their favorite part of the job, so it clearly is all about personal preference.
In either case, working with a new PI or someone who has been around the block, the key to being happy and productive is establishing a role that you both can agree on. Setting forth clear expectations and both sides holding up their end of the bargain. I am a true believer that there is the 'right' job out there for everyone and not everybody is going to be happy in every situation. You need to really think about what you want to get out of your job, what interests you and makes you tick and then focus on the type of PI that can offer that to you. Since a career as a Lab Manager is not one size fits all.
This first post in the series is going to compare the difference between a brand new PI and one who is more established (usually tenured).
There are some VERY big differences when it comes to managing the lab of a new PI vs. becoming the lab manager of an established tenured faculty member. I actually think it is one of the most important factors influencing your role as a lab manager and what your job duties will include.
I'll start with New PIs (Assistant or even some associate professors)
Pros:
I personally LOVE working for brand new PIs. They are usually coming out of a post-doc and are really excited (and
This is a great opportunity as a lab manager to come on board and take a huge load off their hands. It is also a great time to establish your role in lab the way you want it. Because you are there from the start, you aren't coming into a system that is already set up. The lab is what you (and your PI) are going to make of it. There is nothing like getting in on the ground floor. (ETA after publishing: Check out this fantastic perspective from Prof Like Substance on the pros of working for a new PI, it seems we are on the same page.)
Another big pro is that these labs tend to be smaller and often a good tech is also one who is actively involved in running their own project or at least taking the lead on one. Because new faculty don't tend to have a lot of students and post docs to do the work, using hired guns is one way to get stuff done. Once you have established your ability to understand and do the science, that gets your foot in the door to long term projects in the lab, and not just basic lab management and housekeeping type duties.
Cons:
There are some big cons of working for a brand new faculty member. One is money. Usually they don't have much, or if they do get a great startup package, they are usually very nervous about spending it. This may seem like a handicap, however, this is actually an opportunity for you to show what you are worth. I would venture to say a good lab manager can actually save a PI more than you cost them salary wise. Shopping around, talking to sales reps, catching special pricing offers, knowing which buffers/reagents are worth making from scratch, how to manage inventory so things are not going out of date or being double ordered, and building relationships with other labs in the department/school/institution so that you can share/borrow seldom used large equipment and reagents can really add up.
DrugMonkey also pointed out a problem you frequently run into with new faculty: the inability to let go of some responsiblity. Because they are not used to being in charge, many times new PIs feel they must be there for every experiment, they must okay every purchase, they must re-read every piece of paperwork. They don't want to give up control, especially with things they are familiar with (i.e. benchwork) and that leads to the dreaded scourge of all lab managers: MICROMANAGING.
A lab manager should be the PI's right hand man, but it takes time to build that relationship. The PI needs to learn to trust you know what you are doing, and as a lab manager you need to learn how the PI wants things done, and how much input they want in order to stay comfortable. A great example of this dilemma is the quandary DamnGoodTechnician found herself in after a recent PI change. You need to know the expectations and understand the type of management style your PI has in order to be and effective tech and manager. And the problem with young PIs is they frequently don't know their management style (and rightfully so.) They haven't had to run a lab before, and so it is a big learning curve for them too. Once that trust is built, it is often much easier for a PI to stop micromanaging, but that trust takes a lot longer in new PIs (in my opinion) since they tend to be less confident.
What about more established faculty (Senior Associate Professors, full professors, department chairs etc)?
Pros:
Working for a senior investigator comes with it's own set of benefits and negatives. Professors who have been tenured for a while and have a fair number of years under their belts tend to also have established a system for how they want things done. They are comfortable with their management system and so when you are brought on to manage the lab of a full professor or department chair, you usually already have your work laid out for you. This can be wonderful if you don't want to spend your days reinventing the wheel. You walk into a fully stocked lab, you usually find yourself surrounded by at least a few seasoned veterans who can teach you the insider tricks, and you hit the ground running. Someone else has done the legwork for you.
Expectations for lab managers in these large established labs tends to be quite high. In my experience these senior PIs have come to prioritize their time quite differently than their less experienced counterparts. Increased administrative duties, travel, publication rate and a larger number of mentorees means that they must hand off a lot more of the decision making process to other members of the lab, including the lab manager. This isn't to say you won't occassionally run into a senior PI who is trying to micromanage however logistically it is much harder for them to do so.
Cons:
Many of the positive parts of working for a more established PI can also become negatives depending on the situation. Having to come into a an already established system can be frustrating. You may know that this is not the best or most effecient way of doing things, but you will have a hard time changing it. It is a little of the "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" syndrome.
You also may be coming into a situation where you are the newbie yet you are expected to manage people who have been around a lot longer than you, and who have more experience than you. This can be extremely awkward and frustrating. It takes a strong personality to be good at this, and you will often find yourself in a sink or swim position. If you are not confident and self-assured, it is going to be hard for people to take you seriously. This will only undermine your ability to be more than "just a tech."
Lastly, a major drawback to working in a large, established, highly funded lab is that you will frequently spend a large chunk of your time doing administrative and managerial work, and (at least depending on the job description) won't spend a lot of time doing actual science. Because large labs need a lot of support (ordering, troubleshooting broken equipment, record keeping, personnel training etc.) the lab manager is often preoccupied with this role. Obviously with a title like Lab Manager, this is to be expected, however I personally don't like to have the majority of my time spent doing this kind work. It is a matter of personal taste I suppose, but I like to consider myself a scientist first and foremost, and so when the science is lost to minutia I consider that a con. I have known career techs who say that is their favorite part of the job, so it clearly is all about personal preference.
In either case, working with a new PI or someone who has been around the block, the key to being happy and productive is establishing a role that you both can agree on. Setting forth clear expectations and both sides holding up their end of the bargain. I am a true believer that there is the 'right' job out there for everyone and not everybody is going to be happy in every situation. You need to really think about what you want to get out of your job, what interests you and makes you tick and then focus on the type of PI that can offer that to you. Since a career as a Lab Manager is not one size fits all.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mother's Day!
In order to celebrate Mother's Day, I thought I would do a shout out to all the bloggers in my blogroll that have the word mom/mother in their blog title.
This isn't to say I don't follow a ton of other mom bloggers, but I needed some metric to narrow down the list. So check out these TRUE mommy blogs:
Aspiring Mommy-Scientist
crazy mom quilts
Dr. Mom, My Adventures as a Mommy-Scientist
Manic Mommies
Mommy Wants Vodka
Mommy/Prof
Mother of All Scientists
Nerdy Science Mommy
Quilting Mom's Blog
Slacker Mom Says...
Snarky Momma
ScientistMother
And Happy Mother's Day to everyone, since even if you aren't one, you have one!
This isn't to say I don't follow a ton of other mom bloggers, but I needed some metric to narrow down the list. So check out these TRUE mommy blogs:
Aspiring Mommy-Scientist
crazy mom quilts
Dr. Mom, My Adventures as a Mommy-Scientist
Manic Mommies
Mommy Wants Vodka
Mommy/Prof
Mother of All Scientists
Nerdy Science Mommy
Quilting Mom's Blog
Slacker Mom Says...
Snarky Momma
ScientistMother
And Happy Mother's Day to everyone, since even if you aren't one, you have one!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Three Days Until Departure
We are down to the final days. The movers come to take all of our crap away in three short days. It will be a full 7 days from now until our stuff arrives in our new apartment, and then the rubber hits the road. I have to start making some tough decisions. It is at that point I have to decide who I want to follow up with for in person interviews and who I want to dismiss or if I want to blow off the job search entirely. That is starting to be within the realm of possibility.
I will confess that I am beginning to find my stride with this whole "Stay at home mom who is stuck with her kids 24/7" thing. There are so many aspects that are different about it, things I never realized and didn't expect. I have a lot of thoughts on the whole debate about which is harder: SAHM or WOHM and I *must* share them, but I really want to take some time and focus on that post to make sure I can get my point across just so, therefore I will save that for another night.
As for the big move, I guess I am ready. I am going to make one final trip into lab to say goodbye to the BossLady and the rest of TheCrew. I am also having a few last hurrahs with my local friends. Friends that go back a good long time. Friends I have memories of playing beer pong with and staying out way too late with laughing our asses off at the boys from Thunder from Down Under. It is strange thinking that these are the last of my friends who will have known me BK (before kids). Anyone I meet in our new city, will only know me as a mom.
And the friends I have made here since having kids are equally special. They have given me support when I needed it, laughter when I needed it and a kick in the ass when I needed it. It seems so scary and foreign to have to do this on my own, since I can't remember what it is like to be a mom without them.
Hopefully I can hold myself together as I watch all our stuff get loaded onto those trucks. I am trying to block out all those thoughts about leaving my friends and support network, avoiding the memories that this is the home where my children were born, the place they took their first steps and said their first words. It is the place they unknowingly hugged their nana goodbye for the last time, right there, on that front doorstep. There are so many memories here, so much I don't want to forget. And I know I am leaving a little part of me, and them, behind.
I guess that is par for the course when you are an academic scientist or married to one. You can never expect to say anywhere too long. (At least according to the poll over on DrugMonkey's blog.) This will be our third move in 10 years, but it only feels like it is getting harder.
I will confess that I am beginning to find my stride with this whole "Stay at home mom who is stuck with her kids 24/7" thing. There are so many aspects that are different about it, things I never realized and didn't expect. I have a lot of thoughts on the whole debate about which is harder: SAHM or WOHM and I *must* share them, but I really want to take some time and focus on that post to make sure I can get my point across just so, therefore I will save that for another night.
As for the big move, I guess I am ready. I am going to make one final trip into lab to say goodbye to the BossLady and the rest of TheCrew. I am also having a few last hurrahs with my local friends. Friends that go back a good long time. Friends I have memories of playing beer pong with and staying out way too late with laughing our asses off at the boys from Thunder from Down Under. It is strange thinking that these are the last of my friends who will have known me BK (before kids). Anyone I meet in our new city, will only know me as a mom.
And the friends I have made here since having kids are equally special. They have given me support when I needed it, laughter when I needed it and a kick in the ass when I needed it. It seems so scary and foreign to have to do this on my own, since I can't remember what it is like to be a mom without them.
Hopefully I can hold myself together as I watch all our stuff get loaded onto those trucks. I am trying to block out all those thoughts about leaving my friends and support network, avoiding the memories that this is the home where my children were born, the place they took their first steps and said their first words. It is the place they unknowingly hugged their nana goodbye for the last time, right there, on that front doorstep. There are so many memories here, so much I don't want to forget. And I know I am leaving a little part of me, and them, behind.
I guess that is par for the course when you are an academic scientist or married to one. You can never expect to say anywhere too long. (At least according to the poll over on DrugMonkey's blog.) This will be our third move in 10 years, but it only feels like it is getting harder.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Hand Sanitizer and Mommy Guilt..
There is a new article in this week's issue of Science which demonstrates that when forced to make a decision which you may doubt or regret, the ability to wash your hands (in this case soap and water or even sanitizing hand wipes will do) can actually alleviate some of that guilt.
The other thing that is interesting about it, is that people who were given access to cleanse their hands were less apt to want to change their original decision.
Stop the presses! This could be the holy grail for alleviating mommy guilt!
Based on this study I am going to recommend that every mom to carry a little hand sanitizer in their purse (if you don't already). Not for the kiddos, but for when you get the evil eye in the grocery store since your kids are screaming and you regret trying to shop during naptime. Screw it, just wash that thought away with a little Purell.
Trust me: You'll get over it.
The other thing that is interesting about it, is that people who were given access to cleanse their hands were less apt to want to change their original decision.
Stop the presses! This could be the holy grail for alleviating mommy guilt!
Based on this study I am going to recommend that every mom to carry a little hand sanitizer in their purse (if you don't already). Not for the kiddos, but for when you get the evil eye in the grocery store since your kids are screaming and you regret trying to shop during naptime. Screw it, just wash that thought away with a little Purell.
Trust me: You'll get over it.
The interviewing has begun
I started my phone interviews (for the < 5 jobs I applied for.) I am holding off applying for more until I actually arrive in the new city. Applying from a long distance is hurting me I think. That isn't to say I am not doing well interview wise. I am. 4 of out 5 applications resulted in interviews, but the only way I can do it from here is over the phone.
Phone interviews are odd. I don't really dig them. It is REALLY hard to talk science with your potential future boss while dressed in your PJ's and unloading the dishwasher.
And today's interview was super hard since both ThePeanut and ThePrincess were awake and noisy. Nothing like trying to concentrate while your 4 year old is pulling on you asking what is for dinner and your (NEWLY WALKING!!) toddler is pulling a lamp down onto her head.
That being said, so far I have gotten follow up (in person) interviews with everyone I have talked to on the phone. I guess they didn't mind the noise (or maybe they figure if I can wrangle a couple of kids, I can surely wrangle some unruly post docs.)
I am trying to keep the perspective that this is just as much me interviewing them as it is them interviewing me. I am going to be picky about where I work and who I work for.
This isn't my first rodeo. I know what I'm looking for, and although I could't exactly describe it, I'll know it when I see it. I'm not settling, I don't have to.
Phone interviews are odd. I don't really dig them. It is REALLY hard to talk science with your potential future boss while dressed in your PJ's and unloading the dishwasher.
And today's interview was super hard since both ThePeanut and ThePrincess were awake and noisy. Nothing like trying to concentrate while your 4 year old is pulling on you asking what is for dinner and your (NEWLY WALKING!!) toddler is pulling a lamp down onto her head.
That being said, so far I have gotten follow up (in person) interviews with everyone I have talked to on the phone. I guess they didn't mind the noise (or maybe they figure if I can wrangle a couple of kids, I can surely wrangle some unruly post docs.)
I am trying to keep the perspective that this is just as much me interviewing them as it is them interviewing me. I am going to be picky about where I work and who I work for.
This isn't my first rodeo. I know what I'm looking for, and although I could't exactly describe it, I'll know it when I see it. I'm not settling, I don't have to.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
31DBBB Day 31: Plan you next steps! (or "It is finally over!")
Yesssss.. I knooooow... I suck. It has been more than a MONTH since I completed a 31 days to build a better blog task. I was a mere ONE DAY short of finishing the entire project and I just quit working on it. My mama always said I never finished what I started!
Well, I have vowed to finish this stupid undertaking and so today I am going to work on my final task!! Which is what you ask? I am supposed to layout exactly what I want to do over the next 30 days.
Okay, here 'tis:
I HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE.
Clearly, since I haven't even been able to get posts up over the last few weeks, I sure don't have any aspirations for the type of posts, or the amount of content/traffic/analysis I want to achieve. I am going to be flying by the seat of my pants.. like I have always done. Good 'nuf.
Whooo-eeee! That brings my series on 31DBBB to a close.
How anti-climatic.
Well, I have vowed to finish this stupid undertaking and so today I am going to work on my final task!! Which is what you ask? I am supposed to layout exactly what I want to do over the next 30 days.
Okay, here 'tis:
I HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE.
Clearly, since I haven't even been able to get posts up over the last few weeks, I sure don't have any aspirations for the type of posts, or the amount of content/traffic/analysis I want to achieve. I am going to be flying by the seat of my pants.. like I have always done. Good 'nuf.
Whooo-eeee! That brings my series on 31DBBB to a close.
How anti-climatic.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Striving to be happier, since Happy is a dwarf.
It seems like everywhere I go I just can't get away from people discussing if you can ever really achieve true happiness. Topics like: What makes you happy? How do you define happiness? Can one be truly happy or do you always have to make at least some concessions in your life?
It was the focus of today's sermon at church, my mom brought up the topic on her latest visit, and I feel like lately I have seen discussions of happiness mentioned on TV in everything from talk shows to sitcoms. Maybe it is just timely for me since it is a subject that I have been reflecting on a lot lately and so I just have been noticing it more. (Just like you see everyone else driving the car you just bought.) Or maybe it is a result of the tough economy and people grasping at happiness in non-traditional ways.
In any case, it is something that I wanted to blog about since it has become a small obsession for me as of late: What exactly will make me happy?
Amazingly I think I discovered the answer.
Recently I was in my car listening to a Manic Mommies podcast which featured Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project. I was struck by her assertion that we shouldn't strive to achieve "happiness" or to be "happy" but rather strive to be "happier" since one's definition of happiness is often so abstract and fantasy-like that it becomes unobtainable.
AHHH.. Finally some advice I can sink my teeth into!
I completely understood what she was talking about. Let's call it the "happily ever after" hypothesis. When you hear talk of achieving happiness you (at least I) often think of unicorns and rainbows and utopia. Cinderella and Prince Charming. Life is good, there is no pain, everything is going according to plan. But of course that isn't realistic. (Since we all know eventually Cinderella had a fight with good ol' P.C. about leaving his dirty socks on the floor just inches from the laundry basket!)
In order to enjoy happiness or to feel happy, you have to experience the fear, hurt, frustration, anger as well. You need to have a frame of reference. Happiness, even ultimate happiness is relative. It isn't an endpoint, but rather an ever-shifting perspective on the things going on around you.
That realization has greatly changed my attitude and perspective on this upcoming move and the big changes that lie ahead for me. I was putting too much pressure on myself and my decisions, trying to make them the "right" ones. As if the answers were clearly black and white.
Town A or Town B?
Stay at home or go back to work?
Industry or Academia?
Daycare of Nanny?
Short commute or nice house?
Choose the right path and find happiness, or make the wrong decision and end up in a pit of despair. Oh the pressure! I mean, this is my and my family's ultimate happiness on the line!!
But is it really?
The truth is that neither (or both) of the choices will wind up offering happiness. Maybe not the same amount, but I can always find a way to make either choice work. And if the choice I make ends up not offering up as much happiness as the alternative, it doesn't mean I'll be miserable either. There is no rule to say that I can never be happy again, or that I can't go back and make a new choice. Just like my golf game, I can allow for the occasional mulligan.
The bottom line is nobody can be 100% happy, 100% of the time. But can you be happy most of the time? Or at least happier? Sure. Do your choices help shape that perspective? Of course. But there is no 'happily ever after' and your happiness doesn't depend solely on the choice that you make, but rather the way you look at the outcome of that choice.
So moving forward I am changing the way I am asking the questions.
No more am I asking: "Which of these choices will make me happy?"
Now it is: "Which of these choices will make me happier, at least right now?" and "What can I do to make myself happier about the result of the choices I have made?"
It is time to control my own destiny! Take control of my own happiness! Since in reality my Prince Charming's socks will never make it to the laundry basket and that is okay.
It was the focus of today's sermon at church, my mom brought up the topic on her latest visit, and I feel like lately I have seen discussions of happiness mentioned on TV in everything from talk shows to sitcoms. Maybe it is just timely for me since it is a subject that I have been reflecting on a lot lately and so I just have been noticing it more. (Just like you see everyone else driving the car you just bought.) Or maybe it is a result of the tough economy and people grasping at happiness in non-traditional ways.
In any case, it is something that I wanted to blog about since it has become a small obsession for me as of late: What exactly will make me happy?
Amazingly I think I discovered the answer.
Recently I was in my car listening to a Manic Mommies podcast which featured Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project. I was struck by her assertion that we shouldn't strive to achieve "happiness" or to be "happy" but rather strive to be "happier" since one's definition of happiness is often so abstract and fantasy-like that it becomes unobtainable.
AHHH.. Finally some advice I can sink my teeth into!
I completely understood what she was talking about. Let's call it the "happily ever after" hypothesis. When you hear talk of achieving happiness you (at least I) often think of unicorns and rainbows and utopia. Cinderella and Prince Charming. Life is good, there is no pain, everything is going according to plan. But of course that isn't realistic. (Since we all know eventually Cinderella had a fight with good ol' P.C. about leaving his dirty socks on the floor just inches from the laundry basket!)
In order to enjoy happiness or to feel happy, you have to experience the fear, hurt, frustration, anger as well. You need to have a frame of reference. Happiness, even ultimate happiness is relative. It isn't an endpoint, but rather an ever-shifting perspective on the things going on around you.
That realization has greatly changed my attitude and perspective on this upcoming move and the big changes that lie ahead for me. I was putting too much pressure on myself and my decisions, trying to make them the "right" ones. As if the answers were clearly black and white.
Town A or Town B?
Stay at home or go back to work?
Industry or Academia?
Daycare of Nanny?
Short commute or nice house?
Choose the right path and find happiness, or make the wrong decision and end up in a pit of despair. Oh the pressure! I mean, this is my and my family's ultimate happiness on the line!!
But is it really?
The truth is that neither (or both) of the choices will wind up offering happiness. Maybe not the same amount, but I can always find a way to make either choice work. And if the choice I make ends up not offering up as much happiness as the alternative, it doesn't mean I'll be miserable either. There is no rule to say that I can never be happy again, or that I can't go back and make a new choice. Just like my golf game, I can allow for the occasional mulligan.
The bottom line is nobody can be 100% happy, 100% of the time. But can you be happy most of the time? Or at least happier? Sure. Do your choices help shape that perspective? Of course. But there is no 'happily ever after' and your happiness doesn't depend solely on the choice that you make, but rather the way you look at the outcome of that choice.
So moving forward I am changing the way I am asking the questions.
No more am I asking: "Which of these choices will make me happy?"
Now it is: "Which of these choices will make me happier, at least right now?" and "What can I do to make myself happier about the result of the choices I have made?"
It is time to control my own destiny! Take control of my own happiness! Since in reality my Prince Charming's socks will never make it to the laundry basket and that is okay.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Top 5 reasons my life is slightly shorter after today
1. ThePrincess has learned how to ride her bike at break-neck speeds but lacks the ability to stop, or even slow down. Tonite, this skill set resulted in her nearly decapitating herself on the open tailgate of pickup truck.
2. ThePeanut has discovered her ability to climb stairs. I almost went into cardiac arrest when I glanced over and saw her teetering on the fifth step. Our house is not (and will not be) baby proofed before we move, and so I can see this is going to be a problem.
3. I had a near breakdown today trying to parallel park my ginormous mini-van on the main drag (think bars/restaurants/lots of students on the street) of the University on a Saturday night. There is nothing worse then holding up traffic while you inch into a spot, all while listening t0 your back up alarm alternate on and off.
4. I will never again try to make it home on mere fumes because my kids are cranky. Here is a tip: When your 'low fuel' light has been on for a good 30 miles, you should stop and get gas. Don't put it off, no matter who much whining and crying you have to put up with.
5. If you have a large object (say a freezer or large shelving unit) which has been stored in your garage for years and years, you may want to prepare yourself for what you may find when you move it, since those critters haven't seen daylight in a long time, and they won't be happy when you let the sun shine in. And I don't mean:
2. ThePeanut has discovered her ability to climb stairs. I almost went into cardiac arrest when I glanced over and saw her teetering on the fifth step. Our house is not (and will not be) baby proofed before we move, and so I can see this is going to be a problem.
3. I had a near breakdown today trying to parallel park my ginormous mini-van on the main drag (think bars/restaurants/lots of students on the street) of the University on a Saturday night. There is nothing worse then holding up traffic while you inch into a spot, all while listening t0 your back up alarm alternate on and off.
4. I will never again try to make it home on mere fumes because my kids are cranky. Here is a tip: When your 'low fuel' light has been on for a good 30 miles, you should stop and get gas. Don't put it off, no matter who much whining and crying you have to put up with.
5. If you have a large object (say a freezer or large shelving unit) which has been stored in your garage for years and years, you may want to prepare yourself for what you may find when you move it, since those critters haven't seen daylight in a long time, and they won't be happy when you let the sun shine in. And I don't mean:
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